This limiting belief is quietly ruining your life

Do you feel like you have to do everything perfectly?

Do you often get stuck or avoid doing something all together because you don’t have the perfect plan?

Do you tend to over-work and over-think every little detail?

Are you nodding emphatically right now?

If yes, you’ve probably called yourself a perfectionist.

I really hate labels, because all they do is limit us.

So the first thing I’d love for you to do is to stop calling yourself a perfectionist.

Instead, I want you to recognize this:

Underneath your tendency to over-think, over-do, and over-plan is fear.

Fear of what?

You might think that it’s fear of judgement by others.

Or fear of feeling disappointed.

Or fear of disappointing others.

But it’s something more core than that:

Fear of not being loved and accepted.

Underneath every perfectionist tendency is the limiting belief that says: “I need to do everything perfectly in order to feel loved and accepted.”

We’ve been working through limiting beliefs in my REINVENT•ABILITY Accelerator this week and this one has come up for a few people. Actually, for most.

It’s a limiting belief so many of us have.

Where does it come from?

We pick up most of our beliefs in our childhood, almost by association.

For example:

“My parents are happy when I get stars for behavior in kindergarten, so I need to always be perfect to be loved.”

“My home is chaotic, so I will counterbalance it by being perfect and then I will be loved.”

When we are little, our emotional brain — the amygdala — is in charge. We haven’t yet developed the frontal cortex and don’t have the ability to reason.

The only thing our amygdala wants is for us to be safe. When we are loved and accepted, we are safe. So we form these beliefs in order to feel safe.

But the absolutely critical thing to realize is that these beliefs are often formed on false assumptions.

We assume that our parents won’t love us if we are not perfect.

We assume that people we care about won’t accept us if we don’t overcompensate by doing too much.

And worse, these beliefs run our lives and determine our actions long after our childhoods, often without us realizing it.

They are like software, running in the background.

Software that has this bug that’s preventing us from doing what we want and living the lives that we truly love.

So, what can we do about these limiting beliefs?

Well, if you want to fix a bug you have to find it first.

If you want to change a limiting belief — if you want to get out of the perfectionist box, stop over-thinking, and do things you want without having the “perfect” plan — you have to see it clearly first.

You have to tell yourself the truth about what you fear and where that fear might have come from.

In my mentorship work, this is often when I challenge my clients the most.

This is when I have to apply my loving agitation most strongly.

Because it’s no fun to uncover our fears and limiting beliefs and it’s no fun to look back and recognize where they might have come from.

But this is essential. And powerful.

Because once you see your limiting belief for what it is — something you formed in your childhood to help you feel safe — you can begin to loosen it.

And eventually, you can replace it with a new, better belief.

How do you begin to loosen the limiting belief?

By questioning the assumptions it is based on.

I asked one of my clients to come up with times in her life when she did things without a perfect plan and they worked out.

To her surprise, she found many!

Not only did things work out, but they led her to thrive and grow in ways she could have never expected.

In other words: She was safe even though she didn’t have a perfect plan.

Is her limiting belief that she needs to have the perfect plan in order to do anything gone?

No… but it is weaker.

She has evidence that this belief is not 100% true.

This is huge!

Once you realize that your limiting belief is not 100% true, it loses its grip on you.

You can begin to make more cracks in it.

You can begin to break through the perfectionist box.

You can do something without overthinking. You can take a small risk. You can take a step towards something you want without knowing exactly how you will get there.

You can start to test out a new belief, one that says: “I am safe and loved even when I don’t do things perfectly.”

People I’ve worked with have done such awesome things once they loosened their limiting beliefs!

They’ve started to write books they always wanted to write.

Stepped up for a more senior role at work.

Tried painting and photography.

Recovered from burnout.

Launched a business they’ve thought about for years but didn’t dare start.

But the most important thing? Their greatest gift to themselves?

Freedom.

Freedom to choose to do what they want without being held back by their limiting belief that they won’t be loved if they aren’t perfect.

This is the feeling of true aliveness.

Of having agency to make choices that feel right to you vs. choices determined by fear.

And wherever you are right now, I want you to know that it is possible for you to experience it.

I’ve worked through many of my own limiting beliefs.

I’ve helped 100s of awesome humans break through theirs.

It is always possible.

I won’t lie and say it’s easy. Or that there is some hack.

But if you have the courage and desire to change, you can do it.